In some ways, the 2020 quarantine has been way too easy for me.
Dave & I, just living that home life: games, day drinking, comfy pjs, throwing money at our lemon-puppy Maya, porch conversations & Netflix marathons.
Naturally, it has also been a time of reflection.
And all this alone time in my head got me thinking about friendships & my relationship to friendship.
My therapist told me this week that the reason I might have such a hard time connecting with people is because what I project is not what I really am.
Well, f*** you very much.
But…
she’s right.
Damn it.
& ouch.
Ever since then I’ve been thinking about the profoundly powerful practice from Challenge Day: if you really knew me.
If you know me, you might think that I am the life the of the party. But if you really knew me, you would know I am one of the most socially awkward people I know.
If you know me, you might think that I am brave & confident. But if you really knew me, you would know I am plagued by insecurity.
If you know me, you might think I am good with my words. But if you really knew me, you would know I hide behind them.
If you know me, you might think I am a good listener. But if you really knew me, you would know I am deeply desperate to be listened to.
If you know me, you might think I ask great questions. But if you really knew me, you would know I use them to redirect from my own vulnerability.
If you know me, you might think I am full of compassion & love. But if you really knew me, you would know how suffocating my judgmental nature is.
If you know me, you might think I am funny. But if you really knew me, you would know I use humor as a control mechanism.
If you know me, you might think my voice is fierce. But if you really knew me, you would know how petrified I am of conflict & confrontation.
I process these tensions with equanimity. I hold both the light and the shadow.
I do not know where I lost myself, or if I ever had myself, or if this is myself.
And that is ok.
All I know is, right here, right now, this is my full truth.
